Dear Red States...

Originally posted on Craig's List on July 24th, 2005, this letter briefly sums up some truths about our divided nation.

Dear Red States... 

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and 
we're taking the other Blue States with us. 

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, 
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We 
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially 
to the people of the new country of New California. 

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. 
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot 
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. 

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. 
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. 
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. 
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You 
get Alabama. 
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states 
pay their fair share. 

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the 
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a 
bunch of single moms. 

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and 
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at 
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have 
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no 
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their 
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and 
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our 
resources in Bush's Quagmire. 

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent 
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple 
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of 
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most 
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and 
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, 
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. 

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care 
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the 
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern 
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, 
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. 

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. 

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was 
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred 
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say 
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved 
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people 
with higher morals then we lefties. 

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt 
weed they grow in Mexico. 

Peace out, 
Blue States